Rejected by McSweeney's:

When I get out, that/those _____* is/are dead! (*bitch/es, fucker/s, son-of-a-bitch/es, dog/s, etc.)

I didn't do it.

I was a fool to trust him/her/them/that dog/etc.

I'm innocent.

If I did it....

Yo no lo hacen.

And I would have gotten away with it, if it wasn't for those meddling kids and their darned/cursing/dadblamed/motherfucking/etc. dog!

Have you ever, er, overindulged one night and woken up the next day feeling strangely fine? I certainly have.

I've come to the conclusion that, on those days, some other poor sap has accidentally caught my hangover for that day, leaving me scot-free of the wages of gin, while they suffer from an unexpected day of throbbing headache and fatigue.

Today the Karmic Regulator - who is, indeed, a bitch- has given me someone else's hangover to wear for the day. My head feels like my brain is expanding in order to push my eyeballs out of my skull and the only thought flitting through my brain is of how happy the cool folds of my pillowcase will make me when I can rest my head on it again (and, concurrently, close my eyes to keep my eyes from popping out).

I, of course, blame society, which has led me to this sorry fate.

A friend and I were idly chatting when we suddenly hit upon an idea that seemed certain to make us a senseless amount of Internetbux™ - why not develop a web portal that combines what we imagined to be the two most popular idle-time internet destinations of most guys: sports and porn.

Think about it! Devise a site that just acts as a collection of great pr0n and sports links around the web, set up some sort of revenue-producing ad stream on the page and sit back and count the money as it rolls in.

We even came up with a clever name: 'sp0rn'.

Then my dreams burst like a glass snow globe falling to the pavement: we're not the first to come up with the term.

Sure, maybe we could still make money with this, but if we can't have the fun of coming up with a clever name, it just seems kind of hollow.

Don't worry, guys - I won't let it change me. I'll STILL remember all you little people.

This came in my email yesterday:

OFFICE OF THE SENATE HOUSE FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA COMMITTEE ON FOREIGN PAYMENT (RESOLUTION PANEL ON CONTRACT PAYMENT) IKOYI-LAGOS NIGERIAO ur Ref: FGN /SNT/STB

This is to officially inform you that (ATM Card Number
5951390123652671) has been accredited with your favor.Your Personal
Identification Number is 822.The ATM Card Value is $6.8MILLION USD. You
are advised to contact my Secetary for delivery as soon as possible:

Now, what should I buy?