Rejected by McSweeney's:

When I get out, that/those _____* is/are dead! (*bitch/es, fucker/s, son-of-a-bitch/es, dog/s, etc.)

I didn't do it.

I was a fool to trust him/her/them/that dog/etc.

I'm innocent.

If I did it....

Yo no lo hacen.

And I would have gotten away with it, if it wasn't for those meddling kids and their darned/cursing/dadblamed/motherfucking/etc. dog!