Memo to the lady driving a behemoth SUV enroute to downtown Milwaukee this morning:

1. That little stalk on your steering column? Those are for turn signals. They're really cool, and you oughta try 'em!


2. Your half of the road may not be taken out of the middle.


3. The American flag suction-cupped to the window of the SUV that you're driving - alone - to work is ironic in ways that I just don't have the time to explain.


4. It's really doubtful that the amount of time you might save by driving without regard for others will be put to productive use once you get to the office. Might as well drive slower and listen to the end of that Britney song on the radio - besides, as my old pal Johnny Doolittle once explained to me, inconveniencing your workmates by showing up late just reinforces how important you are to them.


5. That's really too much makeup.