I know that those of you who interact with me personally will be surprised to hear it, but I'm a smart-ass.

I have an unfortunate knack for quick, witty (to me, anyway) comebacks.

In my defense, I maintain that a lot of times I say things not to piss people off, but to bring levity to an unpleasant situation. In those cases, I figure, people will either chuckle politely and think me an asshole or will laugh genuinely. Either way, I figure, I'm helping take their mind of the elephant of unpleasantness that's in the room.

Lately, I've been compiling a personal list.

"Why, don't you think you can get him with the first one?"

Said to an angry neighbor who, upset that my sister-in-law's dog had run on his lawn, threatened 'Keep your goddamned dog off my lawn, or I'll shoot him twice!'

"Don't worry, you can always get it right the next time she gets married."

Said to the mother of one of my closest friends as she was fretting about her daughter's - my friend's sister - wedding.

"Sure! Great band! 'Run Through The Jungle' is one of my favorite songs!"

Said to my oldest and dearest friend after he had just been stung by a particularly venomous jellyfish and we were sitting on the deserted (it was about 3am and we had been night snorkeling) beach pondering our next move. He said he was starting to see mist coming up from the ground and wasn't feeling so good. 'Do you know CPR?' he asked me.

"It's alright! You're going to be okay....Um, well, maybe not."

To that same friend as we were in the back of a van crammed with loose tools and auto parts driven by the friendly strangers who were taking us to the medical clinic in the Mexican town where were staying. I was holding his hand and comforting him when he suddenly geysered vomit onto his own chest.

"OK. Hey, avoid the undercooked meats and the fried foods. That stuff will kill you!"

To the same friend again, a couple of nights ago as he closed our phone conversation, in which he told me that the doctors has found a spot on his lung that day, by saying he was going to get a bite of dinner.

That friend, the first two times, credits me for helping save his life by taking some of the fear off of him.

I hope I'm doing the same this time.